January 18, 2019

Goddess.
I come to you, dragging, breathless
having walked the coals
dagger pierced to the heart.

He fucked up again.
He lied.
He's not sober.
He's not sober.
He's smoking.
He smelled like a party.

He's not sober.

Why I couldn't "feel" him
is because he's not himself.
He's faking it.
And that shows through
to one who is home.

How sad.
How tragic.

Look, you wouldn't be the first.
You won't be the last.

This Human Life contains inevitable suffering.
And this is that.

He lied.
He's not sober.
He's very, very, very sick.

He could've stayed in longer.
They recommended that.
But he opted out.

He skipped meetings today.

He lied.

Is it possible he doesn't know Smoker Friendly sells kratom?
Come on......

Goodbye, my Love.
Once again, goodbye.

​

January 1, 2019

What we do today is what matters most.

Miracle:
Microcosm of swirling atoms
mixing, mingling, sharing charges.
Never-ending motion
of breakdown
and creation 
again
and then again.

To be birthed into human form,
to inhabit a composite of atoms 
that form a vehicle for Spirit
​in this realm
is a true Miracle.

I am that.

May we release our histories, our sorrows, our wounds
May we bring Big Mind to each moment

Each day we begin again
​What we do today is what matters most.

I've made it through.
I've survived my dark night of the soul.
Came dangerously close to dying.
I'm badly wounded.
I hurt.  I ache.  I mourn.
Pain in my chest.
Tight throat.
But at times, I can fully appreciate and comprehend 
this sacred path.
The only option.
One direction.
Up.
And away.
Let that pain and profound heartache and confusion go.
Release it.
Release Him.
Let Fate swallow him up 
and have her way.
Surrender.
Surrender to what is.
Life on Life's terms.
Not getting what you want.
Getting something you don't want.
But still up and into your destiny.
That, my friend, is true love.
​

How many more times?
When will it end?
How much can this heart take?

Jeff asked to come home today.
Along with all the drama, anger, rage, bitterness of a drug addict.

Got to tell him how beautiful, full of love, exquisite and special he is, 
and one of the best people on the planet.

But that h

Thank you, thank you.
Sobriety
in the setting of clean eating,
Yoga,
Long walks
and Meditation

Thank you for the Clarity.

For the Strength.

The Power.

I disconnected with the Divine in me.
With the big mind
that contains all possibilities.

How delicious.
How precise.
Razor sharp.
And all-powerful.

I'm raw
and I hurt.
I bleed,
I moan,
I fight the endless shifting ground.

But I'd not want otherwise.

This human experience - 
exquisite in all regards - 
I treasure it.

December 9, 2018

One last ditch effort;
one more dagger to the heart.
You will try again
and when you miss your mark, blood will spill
soaking the blankets in the quiet stillness of a week's worth of nights

It always happens in the darkness
when the demons are out to play
and nothing adds up

We've made peace, the Darkness and I - 
we share tea at the fire
while Magic and Mystery dance atop the flames,
casting spells on my destiny.

I love how I love you still
how I melt at the slightest hint of promise
With open arms I stand,
heart exposed to the derision of the world for disappointed hopes.

But I'm beginning to guess how this ends;  
becoming suspicious of this here plot.

Can she be saved?
Does he make it in the end?
Will love prevail?

Walk through my day, wide-eyed and eager
pits, wet and musky
with a pressured chest
clenched throat
and stalled breath

Spoiler Alert:
It all goes down exactly as it should.
​
And Love always prevails.

December 4, 2018

The Universe loves you.
The Universe loves me.

Jeff, you are loved.
I am loved.

You ARE Love!
I am Love!

You are here on a Divine Mission.
I am here on a Divine Mission.

Everything is Love, unfolding.

Love is attending to, giving your attention to, being present with What Is.
Love is attending to, giving my attention to, being present with What Is.

I will always love you, Jeff.
I love Myself.

​Love!

The rug has been pulled again.
Fate gave a sneak peek:
He. Didn't. Get it.

I knew it when he kept the gig moneys.
When he continued to blame.
The lack of humility, the anger.  
The failure to acknowledge his part.
His face betrayed him that morning.
running home to assume a strange, incongruous voice.

Still hiding.
Still sneaking.
Still deceiving.
Still using.

God, you are sick.
What a dark, lonely, hopeless road.
My heart aches.
I'm so sorry.

Our season is over.
I call an end to our Love.

This heart is tired and weary.

In your state, you may bleed it dry,
choke out its rhythm,
squeeze away the life.

I must reclaim my heart
here and now.

Our contract will end overnight.
In the quiet stillness,
the transaction shall occur.
With ginger touch, you hand over my Heart;
with careful tenderness, I give back yours.

We will wake in a stream of Sunlight
on new Paths
with separate Destinies

and I will wish you well
and hold you in the Light
forever more.

Goodnight Jeffrey.
Goodbye.

I say "yes" to Love.
I say "yes" to The Universe.
I say "yes" to What Is.
​Small mind is small mind.

Fire:  Transformation.
The Eight of Cups.
Burning transmutation.
In an act of Surrender
to Fate.
Behold my Wants, my Don't Wants, my Hopes, my Dreams!
But I know what I must do:
surrender to what is.
No!
I don't want to lose You!
But I already have.
Or will.
Nothing stays.
I must open to my Fate.
Surrender.
Let You go.
If he's not yours,
if Fate wants him elsewhere,
I must let him go.
I must bless you, and let you go.
Jeff, I surrender You to Your Destiny,
to your God,
to the World and Life that lies ahead.
I can't imagine my Life without You.
But it just may be that You are no longer mine.
You may be destined to move away from me now.
Who am I to defy Nature, Fate, What Is?
I will not.
I bless, and respect, and bow to What Is.
I bow,
I accept,
I submit.
I walk the burning coals,
dagger pierced.
But still, I walk on
because this is what's asked of me.
I surrender!
Yes!
I'll go.
I'll accept The Mission.
My small mind, my limited mind can't fathom the Great Mystery.
So I won't limit Love.
I won't limit The Universe.
I. Submit.
​