January 18, 2019
Goddess. I come to you, dragging, breathless having walked the coals dagger pierced to the heart. He fucked up again. He lied. He's not sober. He's not sober. He's smoking. He smelled like a party. He's not sober. Why I couldn't "feel" him is because he's not himself. He's faking it. And that shows through to one who is home. How sad. How tragic. Look, you wouldn't be the first. You won't be the last. This Human Life contains inevitable suffering. And this is that. He lied. He's not sober. He's very, very, very sick. He could've stayed in longer. They recommended that. But he opted out. He skipped meetings today. He lied. Is it possible he doesn't know Smoker Friendly sells kratom? Come on...... Goodbye, my Love. Once again, goodbye.
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January 1, 2019 What we do today is what matters most. Miracle: Microcosm of swirling atoms mixing, mingling, sharing charges. Never-ending motion of breakdown and creation again and then again. To be birthed into human form, to inhabit a composite of atoms that form a vehicle for Spirit in this realm is a true Miracle. I am that. May we release our histories, our sorrows, our wounds May we bring Big Mind to each moment Each day we begin again What we do today is what matters most. I've made it through.
I've survived my dark night of the soul. Came dangerously close to dying. I'm badly wounded. I hurt. I ache. I mourn. Pain in my chest. Tight throat. But at times, I can fully appreciate and comprehend this sacred path. The only option. One direction. Up. And away. Let that pain and profound heartache and confusion go. Release it. Release Him. Let Fate swallow him up and have her way. Surrender. Surrender to what is. Life on Life's terms. Not getting what you want. Getting something you don't want. But still up and into your destiny. That, my friend, is true love. How many more times?
When will it end? How much can this heart take? Jeff asked to come home today. Along with all the drama, anger, rage, bitterness of a drug addict. Got to tell him how beautiful, full of love, exquisite and special he is, and one of the best people on the planet. But that h Thank you, thank you.
Sobriety in the setting of clean eating, Yoga, Long walks and Meditation Thank you for the Clarity. For the Strength. The Power. I disconnected with the Divine in me. With the big mind that contains all possibilities. How delicious. How precise. Razor sharp. And all-powerful. I'm raw and I hurt. I bleed, I moan, I fight the endless shifting ground. But I'd not want otherwise. This human experience - exquisite in all regards - I treasure it. December 9, 2018
One last ditch effort; one more dagger to the heart. You will try again and when you miss your mark, blood will spill soaking the blankets in the quiet stillness of a week's worth of nights It always happens in the darkness when the demons are out to play and nothing adds up We've made peace, the Darkness and I - we share tea at the fire while Magic and Mystery dance atop the flames, casting spells on my destiny. I love how I love you still how I melt at the slightest hint of promise With open arms I stand, heart exposed to the derision of the world for disappointed hopes. But I'm beginning to guess how this ends; becoming suspicious of this here plot. Can she be saved? Does he make it in the end? Will love prevail? Walk through my day, wide-eyed and eager pits, wet and musky with a pressured chest clenched throat and stalled breath Spoiler Alert: It all goes down exactly as it should. And Love always prevails. December 4, 2018
The Universe loves you. The Universe loves me. Jeff, you are loved. I am loved. You ARE Love! I am Love! You are here on a Divine Mission. I am here on a Divine Mission. Everything is Love, unfolding. Love is attending to, giving your attention to, being present with What Is. Love is attending to, giving my attention to, being present with What Is. I will always love you, Jeff. I love Myself. Love! The rug has been pulled again.
Fate gave a sneak peek: He. Didn't. Get it. I knew it when he kept the gig moneys. When he continued to blame. The lack of humility, the anger. The failure to acknowledge his part. His face betrayed him that morning. running home to assume a strange, incongruous voice. Still hiding. Still sneaking. Still deceiving. Still using. God, you are sick. What a dark, lonely, hopeless road. My heart aches. I'm so sorry. Our season is over. I call an end to our Love. This heart is tired and weary. In your state, you may bleed it dry, choke out its rhythm, squeeze away the life. I must reclaim my heart here and now. Our contract will end overnight. In the quiet stillness, the transaction shall occur. With ginger touch, you hand over my Heart; with careful tenderness, I give back yours. We will wake in a stream of Sunlight on new Paths with separate Destinies and I will wish you well and hold you in the Light forever more. Goodnight Jeffrey. Goodbye. Fire: Transformation.
The Eight of Cups. Burning transmutation. In an act of Surrender to Fate. Behold my Wants, my Don't Wants, my Hopes, my Dreams! But I know what I must do: surrender to what is. No! I don't want to lose You! But I already have. Or will. Nothing stays. I must open to my Fate. Surrender. Let You go. If he's not yours, if Fate wants him elsewhere, I must let him go. I must bless you, and let you go. Jeff, I surrender You to Your Destiny, to your God, to the World and Life that lies ahead. I can't imagine my Life without You. But it just may be that You are no longer mine. You may be destined to move away from me now. Who am I to defy Nature, Fate, What Is? I will not. I bless, and respect, and bow to What Is. I bow, I accept, I submit. I walk the burning coals, dagger pierced. But still, I walk on because this is what's asked of me. I surrender! Yes! I'll go. I'll accept The Mission. My small mind, my limited mind can't fathom the Great Mystery. So I won't limit Love. I won't limit The Universe. I. Submit. |
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