Thank you, thank you.
Sobriety
in the setting of clean eating,
Yoga,
Long walks
and Meditation

Thank you for the Clarity.

For the Strength.

The Power.

I disconnected with the Divine in me.
With the big mind
that contains all possibilities.

How delicious.
How precise.
Razor sharp.
And all-powerful.

I'm raw
and I hurt.
I bleed,
I moan,
I fight the endless shifting ground.

But I'd not want otherwise.

This human experience - 
exquisite in all regards - 
I treasure it.

December 9, 2018

One last ditch effort;
one more dagger to the heart.
You will try again
and when you miss your mark, blood will spill
soaking the blankets in the quiet stillness of a week's worth of nights

It always happens in the darkness
when the demons are out to play
and nothing adds up

We've made peace, the Darkness and I - 
we share tea at the fire
while Magic and Mystery dance atop the flames,
casting spells on my destiny.

I love how I love you still
how I melt at the slightest hint of promise
With open arms I stand,
heart exposed to the derision of the world for disappointed hopes.

But I'm beginning to guess how this ends;  
becoming suspicious of this here plot.

Can she be saved?
Does he make it in the end?
Will love prevail?

Walk through my day, wide-eyed and eager
pits, wet and musky
with a pressured chest
clenched throat
and stalled breath

Spoiler Alert:
It all goes down exactly as it should.
​
And Love always prevails.

December 4, 2018

The Universe loves you.
The Universe loves me.

Jeff, you are loved.
I am loved.

You ARE Love!
I am Love!

You are here on a Divine Mission.
I am here on a Divine Mission.

Everything is Love, unfolding.

Love is attending to, giving your attention to, being present with What Is.
Love is attending to, giving my attention to, being present with What Is.

I will always love you, Jeff.
I love Myself.

​Love!

The rug has been pulled again.
Fate gave a sneak peek:
He. Didn't. Get it.

I knew it when he kept the gig moneys.
When he continued to blame.
The lack of humility, the anger.  
The failure to acknowledge his part.
His face betrayed him that morning.
running home to assume a strange, incongruous voice.

Still hiding.
Still sneaking.
Still deceiving.
Still using.

God, you are sick.
What a dark, lonely, hopeless road.
My heart aches.
I'm so sorry.

Our season is over.
I call an end to our Love.

This heart is tired and weary.

In your state, you may bleed it dry,
choke out its rhythm,
squeeze away the life.

I must reclaim my heart
here and now.

Our contract will end overnight.
In the quiet stillness,
the transaction shall occur.
With ginger touch, you hand over my Heart;
with careful tenderness, I give back yours.

We will wake in a stream of Sunlight
on new Paths
with separate Destinies

and I will wish you well
and hold you in the Light
forever more.

Goodnight Jeffrey.
Goodbye.

I say "yes" to Love.
I say "yes" to The Universe.
I say "yes" to What Is.
​Small mind is small mind.

Fire:  Transformation.
The Eight of Cups.
Burning transmutation.
In an act of Surrender
to Fate.
Behold my Wants, my Don't Wants, my Hopes, my Dreams!
But I know what I must do:
surrender to what is.
No!
I don't want to lose You!
But I already have.
Or will.
Nothing stays.
I must open to my Fate.
Surrender.
Let You go.
If he's not yours,
if Fate wants him elsewhere,
I must let him go.
I must bless you, and let you go.
Jeff, I surrender You to Your Destiny,
to your God,
to the World and Life that lies ahead.
I can't imagine my Life without You.
But it just may be that You are no longer mine.
You may be destined to move away from me now.
Who am I to defy Nature, Fate, What Is?
I will not.
I bless, and respect, and bow to What Is.
I bow,
I accept,
I submit.
I walk the burning coals,
dagger pierced.
But still, I walk on
because this is what's asked of me.
I surrender!
Yes!
I'll go.
I'll accept The Mission.
My small mind, my limited mind can't fathom the Great Mystery.
So I won't limit Love.
I won't limit The Universe.
I. Submit.
​

In the first quiet moment of dawn
I go straight to my Heart.
Beat beat beat - 
steady and true.
Only,  not defeated, 
not gaping and gushing blood.

With sleepy mind, I wonder
could this pile of smoldering coals
painted with the blood of my guts and tongue and love
birth the slow rise of my phoenix soul?

Could the carnal ground of my bloodied heart
grow new flesh?
a dark miracle of chance?

By god, I believe I rise!
I believe I see!
I might just know

a seed may have sprouted. 

That deep whorish black night
which threw me under the dance of Kali,
that thrust me in the jaws of Wrath, Herself
bBlinded by the devil storm of pain and violence and death
might
just might
have reached its zenith 

and now gives way to Light!

Oh holy light!
oh glimpse of Life!
God, how I thought I'd never know you again.

I wanted a dark womb
a cold, moist grave
to swaddle my fetal form.
I wanted to lie for time eternity
my dead heart rotting out
by the work of maggots

But now
this precious, sacred Light
breaks through the sliver of open curtain

And it can only mean one thing:
​Rising.

All I can do 
is take 12 steps
one at a time.
Breathing.
Not knowing.
And rest in the mystery.
It is not mine to know yet.
So just breathe.
Just put one foot in front of the other.
Walk into your Destiny.
The path unfolds before you.
​Here I go.

Tonight is Kali's night.
Come, Kali!
Have your way.
Fear not, she says, as she wages violent death on my lost love.
Bleed it dry.
Slurp it up.
That thick, rich blood of my sweet, cherished memories.
Kali, I trust you.
I submit.
Have your way.
Go on, destroy.
I submit.
Say Yes to my fate.
Again I walk the burning coals.
Dagger pierced to my heart.
Pit in the stomach.
Speechless.
Groundless.
Goodnight, Kali.
​Goodbye, my Love.

It all makes sense now.
When Things Fall Apart
we can wake up
to the Truth somebody told long ago.
Life Is Suffering:
Get a raw deal;
losing that, we cherish;
clinging for security in the face of guaranteed change.
Jeff, I want you.
I want back your Heart, your Soul, your Mind, your Spirit, your Body
But just as the cancer will take you away
so has the drug.
Heartbreak.  Pit in the stomach.  Hide under the covers.  Fetal position.
Still, I say Yes.
Yes, to Life 
on Her terms.
My Yes is weak.
Lacks passion.
But I know that resistance is futile.
And this passing is so hasty.
We are here in pure Miracle.
If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly
our whole life would change
Yes.
Yes yes yes yes yes.
I walk the burning coals.
Daggers in my Heart.
Blood drip drip drip
Fall apart to come together
Yes.
Yes, damn it, yes.